Girls Just Wanna Get Drunk

Work is starting to get easier now that I'm getting the hang of it and It's also starting to get really fun. One of my co-workers invited everyone that works at the restaurant to a party at his house and it was last night. You had to bring a food item and possibly alcohol. We're too poor to buy the things so we decided to skip out, but we did drive a couple co-workers there. When we got there Donald was already drunk and singing karaoke into his beer so I took a drink of it. We milled around saying hi to everyone and reassured James (the host) that we really couldn't stay. Donald decided to walk us to our car and I may or may not have chugged his entire freshly opened beer. It was great.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand after all that talking, I really just wanted to say that I wanna get drunk, like really bad right now.

Wander Wonder Girl's got a very sober day ahead of her.

Life Today

Work: Today was my first day on the floor. I looooove waiting tables and I'm so glad I get to do it again. I keep forgetting to get people their silverware though! I finally got the hang of the routine and IT was my last table :/ I work tomorrow and I hope I make really good tips! Wish me luck!

Love Life: Thomas and I are doing well. I watched The Notebook today and I noted that I would never go looking for my ex like she went to look for Noah. Noah was good for her and they didn't want to let go but they both thought the other one stopped caring. He was no good for me and I wanted to leave. I want it t stay behind me forever and I hate that he creeps into my thoughts like he does. I love Thomas with all I have and he shows me what I deserve and what I never had. I want him to see this but I'm so scared that I'll upset him. I don't ever want to make him sad. I don't want him to think he has competition or he's not enough for me. We'll see how it goes.

Home: I can't seem to get the dogs to STOP SHITTING ON THE GODDAMN FLOOR! for some reason once I get one trained out of it another starts back up! It's pissing me off -.-* I have so much that I need to do around here but I'm so freaking tired all the time. I can't wait for my next day off so I can get something accomplished.

Inside my head: I know my mental illness is getting worse. My emotions are more erratic and I get angrier easier. My anxiety is through the roof. My nightmares are terrible and I can rarely remember them, and when I do it's always about my ex and him trying to get me back and me telling him that I don't love him anymore and he needs to go away. I guess it's because I hate hurting people and I'm afraid he's going to try and get back with me and I'll have to hurt someone I used to love. The scariest part is that I know it won't hurt me to do it. I'll feel bad for causing someone pain but it would be like turning down a stranger. It doesn't help that I feel like I have a filter for my feelings: like everything I feel isn't as real or as deep as it should be. I feel all this superficial guilt for no reason. I feel guilty when things with my boyfriend start to get really sexual, like I'm doing something wrong. I feel guilty when someone else screws something up like I did it myself. I haven't done anything wrong so I don't know why I'm like this. So much to keep thinking about.

I'm gonna Wonder and Wander all night aren't I? Yep, I thought so.

Why do I do This to Myself?

I hate myself. I really do. I still love my ex, and it's not in that I-dream-of-us-being-back-together kind of way. It's more of the I-cry-when-I-think-of-what-will-never-be. I could have waited for him to get his shit straight like I promised him I would, but I didn't. I could have stayed in my old town and been easily accessible for him if he ever needed me. There are a lot of things I could have done for him instead of deciding to put myself first and leave.

I'm scared. I'm scared of what it'll be like when I stop loving him. I can feel those feelings slowly becoming less and less and It scares me so much. I've felt this way for so long. I've changed so much within myself and that's been the only thing that's stayed the same and when it's gone I'll truly be a 100% different person than i used to be. I don't know If I'll even recognize myself and if that's a good thing or a bad one.

I'm ashamed because I have the most perfect guy right here, but I'm still hurting over my ex. He still has this little bit of my heart and I know once I stop loving my ex I can finally commit that piece to Thomas, but It still scares me. I feel like the shittiest person in the world that I can't even talk to him about it. I'm too much of a coward to face the look that he'll give me once he knows my biggest fault.

I'm angry with everyone. I'm angry with my ex for putting me through all this bullshit and breaking all those lifelong promises he made to me and making me have to stop loving him. I hate him for loving me in the first place. I hate him for being so goddamn perfect for me in the beginning. I hate him for changing. I hate myself for letting myself love him when I knew it was a bad idea. I hate myself for thinking everything was going to turn out right. I hate myself for not cutting it off at the first sign of turmoil. I hate myself for doing this to myself again. I hate myself for hearing love songs and being sad over my ex instead of happy about what I have. I hate Thomas for being so sweet and willing to pick up the pieces. I hate him for making me feel like this is going to be lifelong. I hate him for believing that we will last forever. I hate him for giving me his goddamn favorite ring. I hate him for wanting a family with me when all I wanted with my ex was a family. And most of all I despise myself for hating all of these things.

Wandering Wondering Girl has a lot of wondering to do about all.... this.

Foundation

My life, like everyone else's, is multilayered. I have work, 5 cats and 4 dogs at home, friends, a boyfriend, hobbies, pet-peeves, fears, loves, hates, passions, dreams, etc. This post is to introduce myself as best I can. I will forget things as I always do, but the rest will come out eventually.

Home: I spend most of my time here. My personal cat is Naomi (she's the smallest), but there are 4 others that are my roommates' cats. I don't own any of the dogs, but I still love them as if they were my own. My room is pretty small and all I have in it is a bed and a desk right now so it stays pretty messy. My roommates' are together so they sleep in the same room, but the living room has all of Sean's things in it. His futon has become our couch. The atmosphere is very calm and just a little bit cluttered, but I like it that way. Sean and I are artists so the house has taken on a very artsy look. It's home, even though we NEVER HAVE ANY FUCKING BUTTER!!

Work: I just changed jobs and I have yet to start my first day. I'm going to wait tables (my favorite job) and I'm really excited but also very nervous. My roommate Kayne is a great server and he got me the job, so I have big shoes to fill. The job I just left was awful. I was working in the food court at the local mall, which was pretty cool until we came under new management. I gave her a chance to prove herself as someone I could trust with my loyalty, but all she proved is that she's lazy, rude, hypocritical and two-faced. I feel bad for leaving my co-workers high and dry like that but we agreed that once we found new jobs we were GONE. I'm looking forward to doing something I like, and I know I can make more money this way.

Friends: I don't have many friends, because if I don't interact with you on a daily basis, you could go for weeks without hearing from me. I don't go out much because I don't have money and the things I like to do most people don't seem to find fun. My roommates, Kaylee, Layla, and Thomas are pretty much the only people I talk to. I have some long distance friends from my old town and I miss them a lot, but I don't get to talk to them very often.

Love Life: So, my love life is a terrible mess. I always went for the emo/goth kids in jr. high and high school, but they were always players so it never really went anywhere. I became really good friends with my bff's ex. During lunch I would heat up my meal and walk around campus. Him and about 5 other nerdy kids would follow me around and my mom called them the "nerd herd". He was what we called the "alpha nerd" because he was the smartest but also really attractive, and the only one with a car. After a while we would drive around the park that was right by the school on lunch and just talk about everything. When he asked me out Mel was the first person I told. She said she was cool with it but it still ruined our friendship. Things between me and him were perfect for about 9 months, but I had a miscarriage and got depressed and we fell apart. I was living with him for a few months trying to make it work but it just wasn't. We got in a huge fight and I got violent so I had to move back in with my mom. While we were apart he became an alcoholic and started smoking weed to kill the pain. I spent the time out of contact with him finding out who I was and what I wanted in life. I tried dating again but ended up just using them for sex. Six months later we were back together. The first thing I talked to him about was his drug and alcohol use and that I didn't need that in my life. He told me I was enough and he didn't need it if he had me, but I wasn't enough. Eventually things got to be too much. He was still fighting addiction and stopped caring about me or our relationship. He would verbally and physically abuse me and he told me if I left him over it he would kill my family, then me, then himself. One day he beat the hell out of me in his front yard and I had enough. I called the police and he was arrested. I stayed with a friend until I could get my own apartment. I made one last attempt at fixing things, but there was nothing there but pain. I tried so hard but all he thought about was himself, so when my grandma asked me to move in with her in Texas, I agreed. I moved in with roommates down here shortly after because she kicked me out because I wouldn't keep her house spotless when I worked 45+ hours a week and paid bills. I was talking to a guy who I thought was really nice, but he ended up being a dick. Then the same thing happened again with a friend of a friend. After that Kayne set me up with his best friend Thomas and he's so sweet! He's a Libra so he's hella romantic and laughs at how temperamental I am. He's very protective, but understands that I can fend for myself if I need to. He's in college for programming and I honestly have no idea what exactly he does. After all the bad things that happened with my ex I'm still afraid that Thomas is going to end up changing for the worse, but I've decided that I know what to do in that situation and I'm just going to be happy that he is amazing instead of treating him like a time bomb.

Hobbies: I absolutely love art in all forms. The muses have always been my favorite creatures from mythology. I'm always on doll divine creating characters and I have 3 sketch books. Music is a constant in my life and I feel incomplete without it.

Dreams: My ultimate goal in life is to be part of a theater troop. I want to perform plays for a living for as long as I live! Being able to jump into a character and play that person is amazing. You are them. You have to know how they think, how they feel, how they process things around them and then just BE them. It's amazing and I love it.

Fears: My biggest fear is being lonely. I can stand being alone, but not being lonely. I don't like to feel like no one is there for me when I need them. I always need at least one person that will be there when I need someone to talk to or hug me when I cry.

That's just a basic foundation of who I am. Like I said, the more you read the more you'll know about me. I'm thinking about starting a vlog on youtube once I get the hang of this thing.

Wish me luck!

Returning From the Land Beyond

I can't say I'm new at this because I'm not. I had a blog a long time ago, but I treated it as if it was an old toy from my childhood that's still there only because I'm used to it being there. In it I wasn't myself. It was a place to leave myself behind and create this persona of who I wanted to be. This time I'm using my blog to dive into what I've been running from for so long: myself. It is going to be a visual representation of me. It will contain my thoughts, feelings, opinions, struggles, laughs, cries, and even my fears. What I write may confuse you, hell, I confuse myself. I make no promises other than this: everything I write will be honest to a fault.