Why do I do This to Myself?

I hate myself. I really do. I still love my ex, and it's not in that I-dream-of-us-being-back-together kind of way. It's more of the I-cry-when-I-think-of-what-will-never-be. I could have waited for him to get his shit straight like I promised him I would, but I didn't. I could have stayed in my old town and been easily accessible for him if he ever needed me. There are a lot of things I could have done for him instead of deciding to put myself first and leave.

I'm scared. I'm scared of what it'll be like when I stop loving him. I can feel those feelings slowly becoming less and less and It scares me so much. I've felt this way for so long. I've changed so much within myself and that's been the only thing that's stayed the same and when it's gone I'll truly be a 100% different person than i used to be. I don't know If I'll even recognize myself and if that's a good thing or a bad one.

I'm ashamed because I have the most perfect guy right here, but I'm still hurting over my ex. He still has this little bit of my heart and I know once I stop loving my ex I can finally commit that piece to Thomas, but It still scares me. I feel like the shittiest person in the world that I can't even talk to him about it. I'm too much of a coward to face the look that he'll give me once he knows my biggest fault.

I'm angry with everyone. I'm angry with my ex for putting me through all this bullshit and breaking all those lifelong promises he made to me and making me have to stop loving him. I hate him for loving me in the first place. I hate him for being so goddamn perfect for me in the beginning. I hate him for changing. I hate myself for letting myself love him when I knew it was a bad idea. I hate myself for thinking everything was going to turn out right. I hate myself for not cutting it off at the first sign of turmoil. I hate myself for doing this to myself again. I hate myself for hearing love songs and being sad over my ex instead of happy about what I have. I hate Thomas for being so sweet and willing to pick up the pieces. I hate him for making me feel like this is going to be lifelong. I hate him for believing that we will last forever. I hate him for giving me his goddamn favorite ring. I hate him for wanting a family with me when all I wanted with my ex was a family. And most of all I despise myself for hating all of these things.

Wandering Wondering Girl has a lot of wondering to do about all.... this.