Life Today

Work: Today was my first day on the floor. I looooove waiting tables and I'm so glad I get to do it again. I keep forgetting to get people their silverware though! I finally got the hang of the routine and IT was my last table :/ I work tomorrow and I hope I make really good tips! Wish me luck!

Love Life: Thomas and I are doing well. I watched The Notebook today and I noted that I would never go looking for my ex like she went to look for Noah. Noah was good for her and they didn't want to let go but they both thought the other one stopped caring. He was no good for me and I wanted to leave. I want it t stay behind me forever and I hate that he creeps into my thoughts like he does. I love Thomas with all I have and he shows me what I deserve and what I never had. I want him to see this but I'm so scared that I'll upset him. I don't ever want to make him sad. I don't want him to think he has competition or he's not enough for me. We'll see how it goes.

Home: I can't seem to get the dogs to STOP SHITTING ON THE GODDAMN FLOOR! for some reason once I get one trained out of it another starts back up! It's pissing me off -.-* I have so much that I need to do around here but I'm so freaking tired all the time. I can't wait for my next day off so I can get something accomplished.

Inside my head: I know my mental illness is getting worse. My emotions are more erratic and I get angrier easier. My anxiety is through the roof. My nightmares are terrible and I can rarely remember them, and when I do it's always about my ex and him trying to get me back and me telling him that I don't love him anymore and he needs to go away. I guess it's because I hate hurting people and I'm afraid he's going to try and get back with me and I'll have to hurt someone I used to love. The scariest part is that I know it won't hurt me to do it. I'll feel bad for causing someone pain but it would be like turning down a stranger. It doesn't help that I feel like I have a filter for my feelings: like everything I feel isn't as real or as deep as it should be. I feel all this superficial guilt for no reason. I feel guilty when things with my boyfriend start to get really sexual, like I'm doing something wrong. I feel guilty when someone else screws something up like I did it myself. I haven't done anything wrong so I don't know why I'm like this. So much to keep thinking about.

I'm gonna Wonder and Wander all night aren't I? Yep, I thought so.