So Long Since I last Saw You

I haven't posted in about a month because, honestly, I'm really bad at this stuff and I've been going through a down slope in my anxiety disorder that makes me totally uninterested in things I usually love doing. 

Thomas and I are now engaged! I'm so happy and so thrilled to be his wife one day. (specifically 3-10-2016) I have been having a lot of self realization moments lately about my disorder and how I handle things in general. I'm starting to realize that a lot of things that I though were normal are actually just symptoms of my anxiety. I'm also realizing that I don't necessarily need to be "fixed" I just need to do what makes me happy. Thomas has been the one to make me realize this actually. He told me that he honestly thinks I'm perfect the way I am, disorder and all. He doesn't feel the need to fix me or change me in any way; he just wants me to be happy. I made a text post om tumblr saying "First I was loved in spite of my flaws. Then I was loved for my flaws, But you love me AND my flaws," and it's that post right there that is pretty much stating that I am done with Travis and anyone else I have ever held a flame for. Travis loved me in spite of my flaws which I thought, and a lot of people still think, is really sweet and romantic, but in actuality they don't really love all of you, just the pretty parts. My friend Christian told me a year ago that he has always held a flame for me, but I had stopped crushing on him like 5 years before that, but he only loved me because I was as broken as he is, and when he realized I was stronger than he thought, he stopped talking to me. Now I have Thomas and he loves the pretty parts and the ugly parts equally. He understands that I get worried and jealous over stupid things and he's okay with it. He knows that I put my own health and well-being on the back burner to make sure I don't stand out in a crowd, (ex. I have a uti and refuse to ask for extra bathroom breaks during my training class so I don't draw attention to myself) so he sends me reminders and inspirations to put my health and happiness first. He'll ask me 1125 times if I'm sure I want to watch that movie, or go to that party, or if I'm okay that day, or if I'm sure I want to have sex because he knows it'll probably be number 1125 of him asking before I finally realize it's okay to say no. None of these things bother him and I'm confident none of them ever will because he fell in love with me already having to do these things. He fell in love with the girl who blows up his phone for no reason, cries about nothing, snaps at him because she feels like an imbecile for loosing her shoe, has to be asked 1125 times if she's not feeling okay that day. He makes me feel like it's perfectly okay that I'm not okay and I've never ever felt that way before, ever.

Sorry about that rant, but I could go on all night about him. (:

In other areas of my life:

 I work at a call center now

 My roommates fight more than ever because Sean has been lying to Kayne and me about everything

 My room is still a hot mess.

 I have been really sick lately, but I'm getting better.

 Kayne's cat had her kittens, and

 Things are finally starting to look up.

Wonder Wander Girl Out *salute*

Wiccan Rede

Bide within the Law you must,
In perfect Love and perfect Trust.
Live you must and let to live,
Fairly take and fairly give.
For tread the Circle thrice about,
To keep unwelcome spirits out.
To bind the spell well every time,
Let the spell be said in rhyme.
Light of eye and soft of touch,
Speak you little, listen much.
Honor the Old Ones in deed and name,
Let love and light be our guides again.

Deosil go by the waxing moon,
Chanting out the joyful tune.
Widdershins go when the moon doth wane,
And the werewolf howls by the dread wolfsbane.
When the Lady's moon is new, 
Kiss the hand to Her times two.
When the moon rides at Her peak,
Then your heart's desire seek.

Heed the North winds mighty gale,
Lock the door and trim the sail.
When the Wind blows from the East,
Expect the new and set the feast.
When the wind comes from the South,
Love will kiss you on the mouth.
When the wind whispers from the West,
All hearts will find peace and rest

Nine woods in the Cauldron go, 
Burn them fast and burn them slow.
Birch in the fire goes 
To represent what the Lady knows.
Oak in the forest towers with might, 
In the fire it brings the God's insight
Rowan is a tree of power 
Causing life and magick to flower.
Willows at the waterside 
Stand ready to help us to the Summerland.
Hawthorn is burned to purify 
And to draw faerie to your eye.
Hazel-the tree of wisdom and learning
Adds its strength to the bright fire burning.
White are the flowers of Apple tree
That brings us fruits of fertility.
Grapes grow upon the vine 
Giving us both joy and wine.
Fir does mark the evergreen 
To represent immortality seen.
Elder is the Lady's tree 
Burn it not or cursed you'll be.

Four times the Major Sabbats mark
In the light and in the dark.
As the old year starts to wane
The new begins, it's now Samhain.
When the time for Imbolc shows
Watch for flowers through the snows.
When the wheel begins to turn
Soon the Beltane fires will burn.
As the wheel turns to Lamas night
Power is brought to magick rite.
Four times the Minor Sabbats fall
Use the Sun to mark them all.
When the wheel has turned to Yule
Light the log the Horned One rules.
In the spring, when night equals day
Time for Ostara to come our way.
When the Sun has reached it's height
Time for Oak and Holly to fight.
Harvesting comes to one and all
When the Autumn Equinox does fall.

Heed the flower, bush, and tree
By the Lady blessed you'll be.
Where the rippling waters go
Cast a stone, the truth you'll know.
When you have and hold a need,
Harken not to others greed.
With a fool no season spend
Or be counted as his friend.
Merry Meet and Merry Part
Bright the cheeks and warm the heart.
Mind the Three-fold Laws you should
Three times bad and three times good.
When misfortune is enow
Wear the star upon your brow.
Be true in love this you must do
Unless your love is false to you.
These Eight words the Rede fulfill:
"An Ye Harm None, Do What Ye Will"

They his is like a moral and ritual guideline for us wiccans, but it's personally so much more. I had my own ideas about the morals associated with Wicca that rivaled the beliefs of the people around me, but I found this and was like "Wow, It's all right here!" Respect the Earth, take little and give much, don't charge for spells and readings, keep good company, etc.

On that note: I'm starting a second blog about Wicca. I'll start with basic information about wicca, gems, runes and herbs, and then as I learn more I'll post what I learn.

Wonder Wander Girl is feeling like Spiritual Girl today

Fuck It!

I don't know what the fuck I did to deserve this but everything is falling apart.
I was hit by a sharp pain in my upper pelvis lower abdomen area, left side, a few days ago. It has gotten progressively worse and now I can hardly bare to stand up or sit down. A sneeze is a freaking death wish.

The teller that signed me up for my bank account signed me up for the wrong one so my bank has been charging me a maintenance fee. Then it throws my account negative and charges me an account negative fee. It's screwing me over on being able to pay my fucking rent.

Thomas is still out of town visiting his dad. His grandpa is in the hospital and might die. He needs me to be there for him and I'm barely holding myself together physically or emotionally.

Wonder Wander Girl Ready To Get A Hold Of Some Pain Killers

Comments

If you actually read my shit LEAVE A GODDAMN COMMENT SO I KNOW MY STATS AREN'T SHIT.
I get excited about that shit and I want to know if anyone actually reads my BULLSHIT RANTS

^-^

WonderWanderGirl ;b

Fuck You

So, I haven't posted in a while because things got really crazy around here. Thomas's mom went totally BATSHIT CRAZY and went PSYCHO every time I wanted to talk to him in any way shape or form because he told her he wanted to get a job. Yes, the 21 year old man got psycho attacked by his mother for wanting  a job. Right now he is visiting his dad in Illinois and he'll be back mid August, which SUCKS. I had a miscarriage 2 years ago this month and I'm an emotional hormonal WRECK and guess who gets to deal with it ALONE crying in her bed every night like a character in a bad movie: THIS GIRL.

On top of that Kayne is being a DICKHOLE and doesn't want Thomas to move in when all he does is FIGHT WITH HIS BOYFRIEND! Who doesn't pay for gas and spends his money on keeping his phone on and overpriced medical bills he can fight in court but would rather spend BILL MONEY putting a tiny scuff (not even a dent) in than actually have to CONFRONT SOMETHING. Then Kayne and I spend all the money we have on bills and groceries and gas so when the end of the month bills come and we have to use Shawn's child support check (he's only 20 and his dad still pays) for bills he gets PISSY. But my bf who's in COLLEGE and getting money and job experience is soooooo much worse of a candidate. -.-

We're moving into a new apartment because the trailer we live in is HELL. We moved in and didn't know it was infested with FLEAS AND BED BUGS! Then the owner tried to say we brought it with us. BITCH! WE DIDN'T HAVE THIS PROBLEM AT YOUR OTHER PLACE YA DOUCHE! So we're moving into an actual apartment where if I have no door THE LANDLORD REPLACES THE BITCH. I have no door right now btw. It was gone before we ever moved in and we were assured that it would be fixed in a couple days. 6 months later and were OUT! The manager of the park was lying to the owner (who is also her husband) and told us we could pay on the 7th of every month no problem and he DIDN'T APPROVE OF THIS. Fucking stupid ass people.

So we're moving but Kayne is all pissed off at my bf because my bf has had his head up his ass and has been believing his mom's lies and keeps giving her chance after chance after chance but I finally put a stop to it and NOOOOO. NOW that everything is settled he can't move in. WHATEVER. He'll get his prissy ass over it and Thomas will move in as soon as he get's back in town *ironic hair flip*

My sister is in town. She's staying with my grandma but my dad told her she couldn't hang out with me because I'ma "Bad influence". Yes the girl with a full time job who sits on Tumblr and blogging (now, sorry guys) all weekend instead of going to clubs is the satanist influence over the grandma who blames everyone else for her problems and manipulates people and blames her old gambling addiction on being demon possessed. I'M the bad one. Whatever. I moved down here because they promised support and love and all I got was used and bitched at. Fuck family. Blood means NOTHING.

My job sucks. My boss hates me for absolutely no goddamn reason. He's had it out for me since day one. Every tiny insignificant mundane out-of-date rule that ever was I have to follow, when literally NO ONE ELSE has to. Even employees that he outwardly hates. I don;t get it. What did I ever do to you dick munch?
Whatever.

I have a lot to bitch about and not a whole lot to be positive about. I think "Hey, at least you're not dead." But misery and despair are worse than death to me. I'm not trying to be some edgy little emo kid (even though my profile picture does depict that. It was like 7 years ago guys, let it go) I am legitimately morbidly depressed, and I try to pull myself out of it but I'm going it alone and It's not working out too well in my favor.

WonderWanderGirl: out

Girls Just Wanna Get Drunk

Work is starting to get easier now that I'm getting the hang of it and It's also starting to get really fun. One of my co-workers invited everyone that works at the restaurant to a party at his house and it was last night. You had to bring a food item and possibly alcohol. We're too poor to buy the things so we decided to skip out, but we did drive a couple co-workers there. When we got there Donald was already drunk and singing karaoke into his beer so I took a drink of it. We milled around saying hi to everyone and reassured James (the host) that we really couldn't stay. Donald decided to walk us to our car and I may or may not have chugged his entire freshly opened beer. It was great.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand after all that talking, I really just wanted to say that I wanna get drunk, like really bad right now.

Wander Wonder Girl's got a very sober day ahead of her.

Life Today

Work: Today was my first day on the floor. I looooove waiting tables and I'm so glad I get to do it again. I keep forgetting to get people their silverware though! I finally got the hang of the routine and IT was my last table :/ I work tomorrow and I hope I make really good tips! Wish me luck!

Love Life: Thomas and I are doing well. I watched The Notebook today and I noted that I would never go looking for my ex like she went to look for Noah. Noah was good for her and they didn't want to let go but they both thought the other one stopped caring. He was no good for me and I wanted to leave. I want it t stay behind me forever and I hate that he creeps into my thoughts like he does. I love Thomas with all I have and he shows me what I deserve and what I never had. I want him to see this but I'm so scared that I'll upset him. I don't ever want to make him sad. I don't want him to think he has competition or he's not enough for me. We'll see how it goes.

Home: I can't seem to get the dogs to STOP SHITTING ON THE GODDAMN FLOOR! for some reason once I get one trained out of it another starts back up! It's pissing me off -.-* I have so much that I need to do around here but I'm so freaking tired all the time. I can't wait for my next day off so I can get something accomplished.

Inside my head: I know my mental illness is getting worse. My emotions are more erratic and I get angrier easier. My anxiety is through the roof. My nightmares are terrible and I can rarely remember them, and when I do it's always about my ex and him trying to get me back and me telling him that I don't love him anymore and he needs to go away. I guess it's because I hate hurting people and I'm afraid he's going to try and get back with me and I'll have to hurt someone I used to love. The scariest part is that I know it won't hurt me to do it. I'll feel bad for causing someone pain but it would be like turning down a stranger. It doesn't help that I feel like I have a filter for my feelings: like everything I feel isn't as real or as deep as it should be. I feel all this superficial guilt for no reason. I feel guilty when things with my boyfriend start to get really sexual, like I'm doing something wrong. I feel guilty when someone else screws something up like I did it myself. I haven't done anything wrong so I don't know why I'm like this. So much to keep thinking about.

I'm gonna Wonder and Wander all night aren't I? Yep, I thought so.

Why do I do This to Myself?

I hate myself. I really do. I still love my ex, and it's not in that I-dream-of-us-being-back-together kind of way. It's more of the I-cry-when-I-think-of-what-will-never-be. I could have waited for him to get his shit straight like I promised him I would, but I didn't. I could have stayed in my old town and been easily accessible for him if he ever needed me. There are a lot of things I could have done for him instead of deciding to put myself first and leave.

I'm scared. I'm scared of what it'll be like when I stop loving him. I can feel those feelings slowly becoming less and less and It scares me so much. I've felt this way for so long. I've changed so much within myself and that's been the only thing that's stayed the same and when it's gone I'll truly be a 100% different person than i used to be. I don't know If I'll even recognize myself and if that's a good thing or a bad one.

I'm ashamed because I have the most perfect guy right here, but I'm still hurting over my ex. He still has this little bit of my heart and I know once I stop loving my ex I can finally commit that piece to Thomas, but It still scares me. I feel like the shittiest person in the world that I can't even talk to him about it. I'm too much of a coward to face the look that he'll give me once he knows my biggest fault.

I'm angry with everyone. I'm angry with my ex for putting me through all this bullshit and breaking all those lifelong promises he made to me and making me have to stop loving him. I hate him for loving me in the first place. I hate him for being so goddamn perfect for me in the beginning. I hate him for changing. I hate myself for letting myself love him when I knew it was a bad idea. I hate myself for thinking everything was going to turn out right. I hate myself for not cutting it off at the first sign of turmoil. I hate myself for doing this to myself again. I hate myself for hearing love songs and being sad over my ex instead of happy about what I have. I hate Thomas for being so sweet and willing to pick up the pieces. I hate him for making me feel like this is going to be lifelong. I hate him for believing that we will last forever. I hate him for giving me his goddamn favorite ring. I hate him for wanting a family with me when all I wanted with my ex was a family. And most of all I despise myself for hating all of these things.

Wandering Wondering Girl has a lot of wondering to do about all.... this.

Foundation

My life, like everyone else's, is multilayered. I have work, 5 cats and 4 dogs at home, friends, a boyfriend, hobbies, pet-peeves, fears, loves, hates, passions, dreams, etc. This post is to introduce myself as best I can. I will forget things as I always do, but the rest will come out eventually.

Home: I spend most of my time here. My personal cat is Naomi (she's the smallest), but there are 4 others that are my roommates' cats. I don't own any of the dogs, but I still love them as if they were my own. My room is pretty small and all I have in it is a bed and a desk right now so it stays pretty messy. My roommates' are together so they sleep in the same room, but the living room has all of Sean's things in it. His futon has become our couch. The atmosphere is very calm and just a little bit cluttered, but I like it that way. Sean and I are artists so the house has taken on a very artsy look. It's home, even though we NEVER HAVE ANY FUCKING BUTTER!!

Work: I just changed jobs and I have yet to start my first day. I'm going to wait tables (my favorite job) and I'm really excited but also very nervous. My roommate Kayne is a great server and he got me the job, so I have big shoes to fill. The job I just left was awful. I was working in the food court at the local mall, which was pretty cool until we came under new management. I gave her a chance to prove herself as someone I could trust with my loyalty, but all she proved is that she's lazy, rude, hypocritical and two-faced. I feel bad for leaving my co-workers high and dry like that but we agreed that once we found new jobs we were GONE. I'm looking forward to doing something I like, and I know I can make more money this way.

Friends: I don't have many friends, because if I don't interact with you on a daily basis, you could go for weeks without hearing from me. I don't go out much because I don't have money and the things I like to do most people don't seem to find fun. My roommates, Kaylee, Layla, and Thomas are pretty much the only people I talk to. I have some long distance friends from my old town and I miss them a lot, but I don't get to talk to them very often.

Love Life: So, my love life is a terrible mess. I always went for the emo/goth kids in jr. high and high school, but they were always players so it never really went anywhere. I became really good friends with my bff's ex. During lunch I would heat up my meal and walk around campus. Him and about 5 other nerdy kids would follow me around and my mom called them the "nerd herd". He was what we called the "alpha nerd" because he was the smartest but also really attractive, and the only one with a car. After a while we would drive around the park that was right by the school on lunch and just talk about everything. When he asked me out Mel was the first person I told. She said she was cool with it but it still ruined our friendship. Things between me and him were perfect for about 9 months, but I had a miscarriage and got depressed and we fell apart. I was living with him for a few months trying to make it work but it just wasn't. We got in a huge fight and I got violent so I had to move back in with my mom. While we were apart he became an alcoholic and started smoking weed to kill the pain. I spent the time out of contact with him finding out who I was and what I wanted in life. I tried dating again but ended up just using them for sex. Six months later we were back together. The first thing I talked to him about was his drug and alcohol use and that I didn't need that in my life. He told me I was enough and he didn't need it if he had me, but I wasn't enough. Eventually things got to be too much. He was still fighting addiction and stopped caring about me or our relationship. He would verbally and physically abuse me and he told me if I left him over it he would kill my family, then me, then himself. One day he beat the hell out of me in his front yard and I had enough. I called the police and he was arrested. I stayed with a friend until I could get my own apartment. I made one last attempt at fixing things, but there was nothing there but pain. I tried so hard but all he thought about was himself, so when my grandma asked me to move in with her in Texas, I agreed. I moved in with roommates down here shortly after because she kicked me out because I wouldn't keep her house spotless when I worked 45+ hours a week and paid bills. I was talking to a guy who I thought was really nice, but he ended up being a dick. Then the same thing happened again with a friend of a friend. After that Kayne set me up with his best friend Thomas and he's so sweet! He's a Libra so he's hella romantic and laughs at how temperamental I am. He's very protective, but understands that I can fend for myself if I need to. He's in college for programming and I honestly have no idea what exactly he does. After all the bad things that happened with my ex I'm still afraid that Thomas is going to end up changing for the worse, but I've decided that I know what to do in that situation and I'm just going to be happy that he is amazing instead of treating him like a time bomb.

Hobbies: I absolutely love art in all forms. The muses have always been my favorite creatures from mythology. I'm always on doll divine creating characters and I have 3 sketch books. Music is a constant in my life and I feel incomplete without it.

Dreams: My ultimate goal in life is to be part of a theater troop. I want to perform plays for a living for as long as I live! Being able to jump into a character and play that person is amazing. You are them. You have to know how they think, how they feel, how they process things around them and then just BE them. It's amazing and I love it.

Fears: My biggest fear is being lonely. I can stand being alone, but not being lonely. I don't like to feel like no one is there for me when I need them. I always need at least one person that will be there when I need someone to talk to or hug me when I cry.

That's just a basic foundation of who I am. Like I said, the more you read the more you'll know about me. I'm thinking about starting a vlog on youtube once I get the hang of this thing.

Wish me luck!

Returning From the Land Beyond

I can't say I'm new at this because I'm not. I had a blog a long time ago, but I treated it as if it was an old toy from my childhood that's still there only because I'm used to it being there. In it I wasn't myself. It was a place to leave myself behind and create this persona of who I wanted to be. This time I'm using my blog to dive into what I've been running from for so long: myself. It is going to be a visual representation of me. It will contain my thoughts, feelings, opinions, struggles, laughs, cries, and even my fears. What I write may confuse you, hell, I confuse myself. I make no promises other than this: everything I write will be honest to a fault.